Sunday, May 29, 2011

walking through colours

I'd like to say a big, big thank you to those who commented on my last post.
Your words meant so much to me. 
And you didn't write teensy weensy comments—
you shared so much, and you were so kind; 
you lifted me up with every word. 
Thank you.

I think I'm doing better. 
No more mucus!
I passed it on to my husband. 
He looks terrible.

I'm better in other ways too.

I took these last days
to really think.
To process,
to disassemble 
and reassemble
all the things I want and value most.

I jiggled them around, and

began to put them back into their 
clearest, truest form.

Your words helped me so much with that.
They gave me so much strength.

I realised an awful lot.

I had
actual epiphanies!

Like, page after page of epiphanies in my journal
and thought after thought of epiphanies 
shared with my husband.

You want to hear some?

for one,

I think I am doing okay at this homeschooling lark, because, I mean, 
my kids are really, really happy.

For 2,

my kids are 
crazy for learning.

They want to know so much! Read so many books! Fiction, non-fiction, science magazines, the travel section in the paper, you name it, they inhale it. They ask so many questions! They have just so, so many ideas; they're brimming with Wonder. 

It's not so hard 
letting them choose
how to learn,
or what, or how.

Because they make their own lives overflow
with Knowing.

For 3,

I think I forgot that as homeschoolers,
and as life learners/unschoolers/freedom experimenters/whoever we are-ers,

my kids and I make "the rules."

There's no one way of doing this thing.
That's one of the tremendous beauties of doing it!

For 4, 

I don't have to sit silently by in our homeschool,
waiting to be called like
a shy kid at the dance.

I can
totally plan 

(together with my kids, or just by myself. 
I can privately write ideas down that I'd love the kids to do in the future, 
without declaring or imposing them. 
I can also write tons of plans in my book to make myself feel better, 
then get on with the day).

I can 

Like when my kids ask, How'd you do that?
or, How does this work? Or, Why or Where or When?,
I can show them. 

I can 

Like when my kids say
Mum, I don't get this. Or, I want it to work like this, but it won't!
I can give them a hand.

I can 

when I see an awesome website, youtube video, 
find something cool on someone's blog, hear of a resource I think they'd like, 
think of an excursion we can go on, 
a book I've found that they might enjoy,
I can put it out there, 
and see what happens.

I can
new things into my kids' days.
Images! Experiences! 
Unexpected delights!

I can

I can say, 

"Shall we?" and "Do you want to?" and "I'd like to" and "I had an idea!"
without feeling guilty or scared
that the Life Learning Police will break open open the door and say:


It simply doesn't work that way. 

Most importantly,

I realised I had let in fear and guilt 
(and all sorts of "shoulds").

Opened the door and let them stride shamelessly in.

I'd let them try all the porridge, all the chairs, all the beds in my house

settle deeply,

inside my chest. 

I thought,

Best to let them go.

And then?

to go for a walk.

Through a rainbow, no less!

Where I
let the colours 
weave into me,

find where the fear had left a hole

and settle inside 

So, today,
I walked through green

and gathered healing,

I walked through red

and rediscovered
my power, my strength, determination, and

I walked through 

and remembered joy,
enthusiasm, and happiness.

I walked through

and saw stability,
and connection.

I walked past

and felt mental stimulation, cheerfulness 
and intelligence.

I walked 
with blue

and could see (so clearly!),
tranquility, confidence and 

I stood with grey
(and together we 
crouched over him, and my son imagined
his soul watching us)

and felt
a calm emptiness,
and a sense of peace.

I walked through these colours 
could feel

myself healing.

The weight,
that had pinned me down 
for days,


And the light came back.


  1. What an original and well thought post! How did you come up with the idea of colors? Brilliant my friend!

  2. What a beautiful post! I love how you described HOW you do it and then left the door open for so many more options...because I wonder sometimes HOW it is done, HOW others do it. I also love that you shut the door on doubt and fear and should...I need to learn to do that.

    Also, my husband was reading over my shoulder and being a plant lover he LOVED all of your photos and I would not be surprised if a trip to Australia is one day on the agenda!

  3. Oh Helena, whenever I go on your walks with you, joy is not too far off :)!! Your epiphanies are so spot on and are perfect reminders. Joy, natural curiosity, freedom, and initiative are exactly why we have chosen this path, though we've also had to exercise much courage and trust to remain on it.
    Much love to you and healing thoughts for your husband!!
    xx oo

  4. Beautiful Beautiful Healing walk my love. I felt the healing right through my screen. Glad you are feeling better. I had much the same type of week. Woke up this morning feeling much more like me. Now if only my kids would wake up!

    Big hugs and smoochies xoxoxox

    PS> The only problem with waking up feeling much more like me is that my mind won't shut up and I want to write write write but I don't have the time! Arghhhh! LOL

  5. Beautiful post Helena. You have been on my mind and I had popped over to leave you a note. I was so glad to see you posted.

    Your walk was beautiful. I love seeing Australia colors through someone's eyes that I 'know'. It makes it that much special. Also your girl is growing!! She looks so much taller.

    This is my favorite line, "I'd let them try all the porridge, all the chairs, all the beds in my house." YES YES and YES!

  6. Aah, the Wobbles. Don't much like them. :)
    I think the most important thing any of us can do is to "do it like we wrote it. I say that a lot, but I believe it so whole-heartedly. We are writing it, after all.
    Hugs to you! Glad you're feeling better!
    (And I had a cold for an unheard of two weeks!! Crazy.

  7. My sweet friend - you are a writer in heat. xx


I love hearing from you! Thank you for your heartfelt, thoughtful responses—they lift me, and give me light.