Sunday, May 1, 2011

all of me

There are so many of me.

There is my core, first off.

The person who, without hesitation,
knows she is a mother and wife
nature lover and joy finder

there all the things I am and want to be and want to be good at.

These things are all precious to me,

but sometimes, 

I don't know what to focus on.

It's like I have all these dreams
and all these things that nourish me

and I don't know which one to pick.

These things
sometimes get tangled. 

They wrestle with each other
in my thoughts at night.

They say, Me first! Me now! Me always 

and to the exclusion of all others!

But how am I supposed to choose between my dreams?

I have always wanted to be a published story writer

but I also love writing my blog 
(and reading the blogs of others who inspire me)

so I often spend the hours 
I could be writing my fiction or sending out my work,

 here in BlogLand instead.

I have always dreamed of running writers workshops for children

but as I build that dream, 
it moves into the time we spend together, our homeschool time,

or the time I could spend writing.

Each dream pushes at the other dreams 

and I think at night,

There's not enough time!

Then sometimes,

 the branches of me
tussle with the core of me.

Like, my writing might take me away from sweet, connected time with my husband

or, stressing about balancing all these wants

affects how I 
am as a mother.

not realising every one of my dreams

messes with my
finding of joy.

And that is hard.

So what to do?

Do I pick one thing?

Do I focus with all my heart and all my energy
on one dream, 
to be sure I realise it and do it well?

I am so drawn to that idea sometimes.

I think of homeschooling and my heart fills.
I think of writing and my heart wants.
I think of working with children and my heart smiles.

I think of focussing on one, and I feel peace 
and loss 
in equal measure.

Because I can't imagine giving up a single one of my dreams.
(especially homeschooling. especially writing.
especially guiding young writers)

do I keep juggling instead?

Because the juggling brings unexpected, deep, happiness.

A blog post might resonate with my true writer, mother, dreamer self.

A child might move me almost to tears in writers workshop.

We might have a day of pure Flow, a day of homeschooling so good I feel like skipping down the street, hollering and whooping, my arms out like wings. 

I might send off a story for the first time in years and feel just. so. fine. afterwards.

I might have an interview to be a creative writing teacher 
and feel such joy from connecting with like-minded spirits.

Each branch feeds the others,

each dream 
building on the other

until I'm
a rustle and tangle 

Until my heart smiles and fills and wants 
all at once.

And I 
finally sleep to the whisper of leaves.


  1. Wanting to do it all...feeling like I'm never giving my all because something else is tugging at the bag of my mind, calling me elsewhere...pruning out the bits I realise aren't really important...always juggling the rest that I can't let go of.

    Yes, I can relate to your post, Helena.

  2. Passion for learning, for life, for more, is really what this homeschooling experiment is all about. Unbounded, undefined, unrestricted. Your love of life shines through. As it should.

    A little meditation before sleep might help!


  3. We're all jugglers, aren't we? Picking which dream to focus on NOW is what we sometimes have to do. And on that note, I am going to go paint something. Not sure what. Just... something.

  4. Oh wow, I so understand and feel your inner conflict!! One of the greatest things blogging has given me is finding like-minded people who I can identify with. People with passion. Passion is a good thing, as frustrating as it is to not be able do it all. I am finding that though I get frazzled with all that I want to do, at least now, I KNOW what I want. The flood gates have opened for craving creativity. It has to be a good thing, as crazy as it gets sometimes. I wish I could give you a solution, but in times like these when there is so much, I just sit and wait, trusting that if I slow my thoughts down, and breathe, the right path will come. I am excited for you and your possibilities!! Just breathe, it will come.

  5. I relate so well to this post. There are so many things that I want to do, want to learn more about, want to find more time for...I have a hard time juggling. I tend to be very focused on what I am doing almost to the exclusion of other things. I wish I could find a little time in my day for everything. Maybe that should be a goal?

  6. I love this post, and I can definitely relate (as it looks like many can!)

    Thanks for stopping by our blog and commenting :)

  7. Oh I sooo hear you on this one. We are sitting on the fence about unschooling DD next year (prep) and the ONLY thing that makes me not jump in with two feet is the me time I will have to forfeit. Then I look at her and fall in love and hug her tight and just think: we'll cope.
    Tricky stuff.

  8. Nicely put! I think my juggling can sometimes leave me in a bit of a dither and sometimes I drop a few balls but hey, life would be boring if I dropped them all wouldn' t it? Hugs xoxox

  9. Tell me about it Helena! But what a great choice we have made - your writing is inspiring so many of us in practical, beautiful ways!! And your kids are amazing. Just wanted to let you know how special what you do is :-)


I love hearing from you! Thank you for your heartfelt, thoughtful responses—they lift me, and give me light.