kind of like I wasn't on top of everything
and perhaps that's because the house is upside down and upside down makes for chaos and opens the door sometimes to worry and to the feeling that you are racing towards a finish line that keeps ducking, weaving, hiding behind trees.
Today I felt…more.
I felt things Deeper.
Today I missed Jennifer.
Today, music crept in and tucked itself into my corners
and, so, I spent the day listening.
Tapping my feet and sinking into sound (in the art gallery as I waited for my girl to finish her art workshop),
creaking a little inside with sorrow (as I sang in the shower),
and singing at the top of my lungs (at the computer in the living room) as my husband made another amazing dinner.
I felt better and bigger and sadder and joyful-er and deeper and more all day.
I just came home from book club,
where my friend played music the whole night,
and the whole night I kept interrupting what people were saying with, "Oh! I love this!" and "Oh! I remember listening to this when I was young!" and "Oh! This is from that movie!"
(And no, of course that wasn't at all distracting to the women trying to talk about a book!)
The last song I really heard was this:
I had to blink really, really hard
chew on my lip
so that I didn't totally cry, right there, in front of 5 women,
for a reason I probably could not have explained.
It's a beautiful, beautiful song.
It captures the whole day and how I felt and all the rawness and the sorrow and the joy
the joy of sound
and the joy of simply being here,
the joy of being able to listen, able to feel, able to sit here right now, in this moment, and write about the beauty I found.