Wednesday, December 7, 2011

grief feels like this

an okay day and a good day and a great day

then a bad.

bad that follows you.

bad like a sinkhole.

an unrelenting urge to lay your head down on the table, wherever you are, whoever you are with.

a night of vivid dreams, and when you wake,
all day you hold one dream close
because in it
everything was back the way it once was.

it feels like
you've fallen overboard. You are swimming, swimming to get back,
but the boat moves steadily away. You can see the lights; you can hear the laughter and the music on the decks. You tread water. The boat moves away.

it feels like missing. You miss your friend. You miss your friends. You miss the laughter, the cups of tea, the times on the couch with small children showing you stories. You miss confiding and letting go. You miss everyone. You miss talking, being, sharing together.

you miss them. You miss them. You miss them.

and all you want is to walk into a forest 
and cover yourself with leaves.


What do you do?

I suppose you keep treading water. You keep your head up, as tired as you are. 

You look north south east west. 

You see, 
there, and there, and there, 
other boats. How did you not see them before? They are all around. 

you swim. 

Perhaps, you hold up a hand. 

As tired as you are, 
perhaps you wave until someone sees you. 

You swim. 

People stand at the deck's edge. They throw out a line, 
and you pull and they pull. Hand over hand over hand. 

A ladder comes down. It takes everything you have, everything that's in you, to grab that ladder. You pull up. Hand over hand over hand. 

It takes a long time. 

To swim. To wave. To pull. To rise. 

When you enter the new boat, this always-there-but-for-the-seeing boat,
you are exhausted. 

But all around you are faces,

People bring you blankets, warm drinks. They watch over you. 

They keep you close, these beautiful people. 

They keep you above the water.



  1. Bueatiful!!
    Hugs xxxx

  2. Where would we be without those who love us?

  3. Thank goodness for those people who keep us above the water!!

  4. We just experienced an adoption change of heart. We had been working with the birthparents for three months and everything seemed to be going fine. We were in the delivery room and I held the birthmom's hand as she gave birth. We held our daughter multiple times for the next two days.

    Then, five days later, we learned they have decided to parent (keep) the baby. I'm not angry at them, they are just following the love they feel for the baby now in their arms. But it is so very difficult.

    I am feeling a great deal of grief right now and could so relate to this. Thank you.

  5. I don't know all the details and reasons but I just want to offer (((Hugs))) friend.
    Take Care.

  6. Hey Helena
    hang on in there - this feeling, these feelings of treading water, of being out of depth and alone and the overwhelming sadness - they are very hard to live with. Hold tight to those hands and know that you are surrounded by love. You write so heartfelt and beautifully about the human condition. Some of us I am sure do feel more deeply... Sending hugs and a large mug of Tulsi tea xxx Lou

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  8. You lift me up; I lift you up; we swim together; we learn together; and when we are out of that water, we smile together. With relief. And everyone can hear our laughter echoing through the valleys and mountains, even in the forests and across the seas: echos of our love.

  9. Yes! And I don't believe there is a person here that wouldn't offer you a warm hug, a cup of tea, an ear, a blanket, whatever you needed to keep you afloat dear friend. We are pulling for you!!

  10. I am not sure I have the words you need, but keep treading and keep your eyes open, there is so much love and kindness around you, although it can be hard to see sometimes. The huge effort it takes to rise up is worth it every time, so keep going. There is always a cup of tea with someone, even a virtual one. Here's mine, cheers!

  11. Everyone, thank you. I am feeling every hug, so appreciating every cup of tea, so thankful for every single word here. Thank you.

  12. Yes Helena, please keep treading and keep holding those loved ones close to you. I am sorry you feel this way at times, I think it is because you feel so deeply. I know the bad times are bad, but the good times are magnificent. Love you.


I love hearing from you! Thank you for your heartfelt, thoughtful responses—they lift me, and give me light.