walking through colours

First,

I'd like to say a big, big thank you to those who commented on my last post.

Wow.

Your words meant so much to me. 

And you didn't write teensy weensy comments—

you shared so much, and you were so kind; 

you lifted me up with every word. 

Thank you.

Second,

I think I'm doing better. 

No more mucus!

I passed it on to my husband. 

He looks terrible.

I'm better in other ways too.

I took these last days

to really think.

To process,

to disassemble 

and reassemble

all the things I want and value most.

I jiggled them around, and

began to put them back into their 

clearest, truest form.

Your words helped me so much with that.

They gave me so much strength.

I realised an awful lot.

I had

actual epiphanies!

Like, page after page of epiphanies in my journal

and thought after thought of epiphanies 

shared with my husband.

You want to hear some?

Well,

for one,

I think I am doing okay at this homeschooling lark, because, I mean, 

my kids are really, really happy.

For 2,

my kids are 

crazy for learning.

They want to know so much! Read so many books! Fiction, non-fiction, science magazines, the travel section in the paper, you name it, they inhale it. They ask so many questions! They have just so, so many ideas; they're brimming with Wonder. 

It's not so hard 

letting them choose

how to learn,

or what, or how.

Because they make their own lives overflow

with Knowing.

For 3,

I think I forgot that as homeschoolers,

and as life learners/unschoolers/freedom experimenters/whoever we are-ers,

my kids and I make "the rules."

There's no one way of doing this thing.

That's one of the tremendous beauties of doing it!

For 4, 

I don't have to sit silently by in our homeschool,

waiting to be called like

a shy kid at the dance.

I can

totally plan 

(together with my kids, or just by myself. 

I can privately write ideas down that I'd love the kids to do in the future, 

without declaring or imposing them. 

I can also write tons of plans in my book to make myself feel better, 

then get on with the day).

I can 

guide. 

Like when my kids ask, How'd you do that?

or, How does this work? Or, Why or Where or When?,

I can show them. 

I can 

help. 

Like when my kids say

Mum, I don't get this. Or, I want it to work like this, but it won't!

I can give them a hand.

I can 

suggest.

Like

when I see an awesome website, youtube video, 

find something cool on someone's blog, hear of a resource I think they'd like, 

think of an excursion we can go on, 

a book I've found that they might enjoy,

I can put it out there, 

and see what happens.

I can

introduce

new things into my kids' days.

Words! 

Images! Experiences! 

Unexpected delights!

I can

"strew."

I can say, 

"Shall we?" and "Do you want to?" and "I'd like to" and "I had an idea!"

without feeling guilty or scared

that the Life Learning Police will break open open the door and say:

Busted!

It simply doesn't work that way. 

Most importantly,

5. 

I realised I had let in fear and guilt 

(and all sorts of "shoulds").

Opened the door and let them stride shamelessly in.

I'd let them try all the porridge, all the chairs, all the beds in my house

then  

settle deeply,

sleepily,

inside my chest. 

I thought,

Best to let them go.

And then?

Well

best

to go for a walk.

Through a rainbow, no less!

Where I

let the colours 

weave into me,

find where the fear had left a hole

and settle inside 

instead.

So, today,

I walked through green

and gathered healing,

 growth

and

 harmony.

I walked through red

and rediscovered

my power, my strength, determination, and

love.

I walked through 

orange

and remembered joy,

creativity, 

enthusiasm, and happiness.

I walked through

brown

and saw stability,

wholesomeness,

earthiness,

and connection.

I walked past

yellow

and felt mental stimulation, cheerfulness 

and intelligence.

I walked 

with blue

and could see (so clearly!),

 trust

loyalty,

tranquility, confidence and 

faith.

I stood with grey

(and together we 

crouched over him, and my son imagined

his soul watching us)

and felt

a calm emptiness,

and a sense of peace.

I walked through these colours 

and 

could feel

myself healing.

The weight,

that had pinned me down 

for days,

lifted.

And the light came back.